Unmarried Women — Alarming Statistics

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Monday 25 October 2004 (11 Ramadan 1425)



Depending on the societies they live in, when unmarried girls reach a certain age which differs from society to society, people begin to refer to them as “old maids” or “spinsters”.

Especially in Arab countries, people still look upon a young unmarried girl as though she were to blame for her state. Fingers are pointed accusingly at her regardless of the reasons or her own circumstances. The girl soon becomes the butt of ridicule, accusations, and meddling by those around her and even those closest to her.

The reasons for the girl’s delay in getting married or in not getting married at all are many and varied. There are social circumstances and pressures that drive a girl to study and to work in order to become financially stable.

There are also other reasons such as high dowries. Then there are families which demand that a prospective suitor have certain characteristics or else they will not allow their daughters or sisters to marry him. Omaimah Sanad from Sayidaty, a sister publication of Arab News, examined the problem.

JEDDAH, 25 October 2004 — What do girls in Saudi Arabia say about why they are not married? How much do they suffer because they are not married? Can a girl begin a new life and start a family no matter how late?

Fawzia, who is 38 years old, said: “I tried to imitate some girls in my family by carrying the banner of ‘No To Marriage’ — at least not until I had completed my education, graduated and worked as a teacher. As time passed, I became increasingly involved in my professional life. To be fair, I received many proposals at that time but the men did not meet my standards. And my friends and family agreed with me because they wanted me to have what I wanted in a partner. My mother, however, God rest her soul, disagreed and used to try to convince me to take the proposals more seriously. She told me over and over not to imitate my cousins since they had not received proposals as good as mine in the first place. But I didn’t listen to her and thought that as I was still young and attractive, I had plenty of time to consider different options and choose the right man. The days and months flew by and with the deaths of my mother and father, I was left alone. Most of my friends are married now; I’m still alone and my looks are fading with time. I realize too late that I’ve wasted my life setting impossible conditions for the men who wanted to marry me.”

Dr. Ulfat, a single woman in her 40s, said: “I wronged myself by going along with my mother’s decisions. My mother refused every suitor on the basis that he wasn’t worthy of us. And what made things worse was that my father was so much weaker than my mother that she had ‘the’ say in everything related to my sisters and me for more than 20 years. My sisters and I never had the courage to disagree with her or challenge her. And if the suitor was up to our standards, she would make up conditions that were impossible to fulfill. We never knew what she wanted from a prospective husband. The situation continued until we were no longer young but were still being called ‘Miss’. Now whenever anyone asks us why we are not married, we justify ourselves by saying that we are too involved with our professional lives. Our mother still dreams of a perfect husband for each of us; in her eyes, we are still ‘little girls’ even though we are all highly qualified adults.”

Mona, who is 35 and still single, said: “Yes, it is not easy being an unmarried woman in our society. Girls who refuse to marry don’t do so without a reason. Very often the reason is her family’s attitude and that is the reason in my case. Today I’m 35 and I’ve been getting proposals since I was 14; my father, however, refused them all since he was influenced by my stepmother who accused every man of being a gold digger, greedy for my money and social status. At the same time, she managed to marry off her own daughters to men who were not always up to the standards she set for me. The result was that I focused on my studies since I had no other outlet. I had to dodge the queries about my being single. People pitied me and said how strange it was that with my looks, education and status that I was still unmarried. Even after I graduated and began working, suitors approached my family but all were turned away. We have reached the point where no one will ask for me since it is well-known that everybody will be refused.”

Munira, who is over 30, said: “My love for children surpasses everything in the world. I was so eager to get married and have a family but my mother refused every man who proposed to me or my sister. When I asked my mother why she refused them even though many came from prominent families, she answered that this was in accordance with our late father’s will that we not marry anyone outside our tribe and that we had been betrothed as children to some of our paternal cousins because they could protect us and keep in the family the wealth inherited from our father. For 20 years we waited for our cousins to propose to us but they never did. The years passed by and our younger brothers and sisters got married while we have remained single.”

Hayat and her sister are teachers and together earn more than SR12,000 every month. They say their father refuses to let them marry because of what they earn; if they marry, he will lose access to their money. He treats every man as someone who wants only his daughter’s salary. He does not want to lose it. The fact is that their father allows them only SR1,000 a month and this has forced them to go to a lawyer to file suit against him and to complain of his mistreatment of their mother. If the suit is successful, they can then marry.

Leila, who turned 34 only recently, said: “My chances of getting married are decreasing if not already ended. In this day and age, young men are unlikely to marry a girl they’ve not seen — or at least one which their relatives have seen. After all, this is how girls get married; someone from among the man’s family or friends sees the girl and recommends her. Since I’m not allowed to leave the house or go out or work, no one will see me and so I remain unmarried. These conditions are the ones I have lived under since childhood; my mother didn’t allow me to go anywhere but school and so I didn’t make many friends. In order to have friends, you must be able to come and go and that is what I was not allowed to do. And even after I graduated, I wasn’t allowed to work. This made me ask my family what had been the point of my education and my degree if I was not to be allowed to work? They said both would be an advantage when I raised my children. I have now gone to a matchmaker in hopes that she can find a husband for me.”

Traditions have been a major obstacle to 32-year-old Lamia’s marriage. “My family is the reason I wasn’t able to marry the one my heart chose even though they knew his family well. We had been neighbors for a long time and my brothers and sisters like him which is why my involvement with him was so natural from the start. After we grew up and completed our college education, it was only natural that he should ask my family for my hand in marriage. My family refused even though they have known him for 30 years. He is like a son to my father who likes him and speaks approvingly of his conduct and character. They would not at first tell me why they had refused but I persisted and finally the reason my father gave me was: ‘He isn’t originally Saudi.’ This shocked me because I had no idea my family would refuse someone for such a shallow reason or even that they would think along such narrow lines. This has led me to refuse all other men who proposed in hopes that my family will finally let me marry the person I have chosen.”

Maha, who is 37, said: “My not being married is a matter that is out of my hands even though I’m well-educated and said to be attractive. Many men, however, will not propose to someone who is better educated than they are. There was once a young man who asked to marry me and my family and his agreed on everything. Then he suddenly disappeared without any explanation except that he didn’t want to marry an educated working woman. This scenario has been repeated several times.”

Why Marriages Are Delayed

Dr. Bakr Bagader, an anthropology professor at King Abdul Aziz University in Jeddah, said: “People differ in the age at which a woman is considered an ‘old maid’. Much depends on the practices and ideas of the society the girl lives in. We often see today that the marriageable age is linked to the stages in education because of the responsibilities of making a living and supporting a family. A man must be able to earn a living and it is even better if both partners can work and contribute to the family’s finances. Two incomes give a family more disposable income and increase status. Completing education is thus seen as important and delays marriage for girls. In fact, in some situations, a degree and a job for a girl is highly desirable. Women no longer feel that their worth or status is dependent upon their husband. Another factor in delaying marriages is that it is now possible for women to delay having children until they want them rather than getting married and getting pregnant the same year.”

According to the latest statistics from the Ministry of Planning:

• There are 2,638,575 married women in Saudi Arabia out of a total of 4,572,231.

• The number of unmarried girls over 30 is more than 1.5 million: Makkah: 396,248; Riyadh: 327,427; Asir: 130,812; Madinah: 95,542; Jizan: 84,845; Qasim: 74,209; Jouf: 5,219; Tabuk 36,689 and the Eastern Province 21,543.






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